My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
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(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
real
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club