My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
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Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly