My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
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Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Just ordered me some pizza!
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean