My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
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The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Guys, I found it.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it