My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
You Might Also Like
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
we’re gonna need another temp
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
How dude HOW?!
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Something Saturday.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe