My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
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Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
IT’S-A ME,
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.