My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
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The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Godspeed, John Glenn
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.