My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
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I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.