My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
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tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
channeling her this year
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious