My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
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It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*