My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
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The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.