My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
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Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa