My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
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[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.