My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
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Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
it must be school picture day
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*