My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
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Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
I can fix him.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning