My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
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Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Happy thanksgiving
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat