My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
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Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds