my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
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The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.