My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
You Might Also Like
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
me when the borders lift
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.