My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
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My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
The Compass
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby