Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: spell “Fanshaw”

British person:

Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!

[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm

Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode

The Birdles

Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.

A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge

[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*

What do whales do on a date?

Net flicks and krill.

#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

OMG you guys!! I have abs

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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.

If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.

I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this

People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.

my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend

Jumps into shower

Shower : I have a boyfriend

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-

Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!

boss: oh God

Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!