My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
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Don’t make me out nice you.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils