My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
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It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.