My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
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Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.