My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
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Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
584.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.