My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
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Me redecorating every room in my mind
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
There’s no “us” in nachos.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
They’re on their honeymoon
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?