My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
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*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order