My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
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DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon