My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
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Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it鈥檚 closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Do you ever feel like you鈥檙e a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I鈥檓 feeling fancy.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
If looks could kill
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Where鈥檚 the lie? 馃ぃ馃ぃ
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
him: Hey what鈥檚 the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that鈥檚 not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
All I鈥檓 saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
big announcement, i鈥檓 working on a new horror property
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”