My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
You Might Also Like
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
They’re really bad with fonts.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Why is this me 😫
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Me irl
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
I’ve had relationships like this
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.