My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
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Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
I would move hell over six inches for you
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.