My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
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In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.