My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
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Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
They’re really bad with fonts.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell