@Anniewritess

My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.

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@SteveSuckington

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

@RocketRankoon

“What time is it?”

*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*

*Still has no idea what time it is*

@huntigula

Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl

@Tmoney68

BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.

@LuvPug

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.

@WilliamAder

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

@TitansHomer

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

@slimmy_shady

Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

@XplodingUnicorn

Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”

@DairylandDon

Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”