My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
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my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.