My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
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Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
I can’t stop watching this.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂