My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
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My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
c’mon!
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others