My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
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billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Leaving the Barbers like
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress