my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
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Okay, I’m still confused…
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.