My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
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Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
peak technology
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set