My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
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ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Ain’t no way
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.