@MediocreMamaa

My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.

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@Lhlodder

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

@PinkCamoTO

I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.

@shutupmikeginn

My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.

@robin_991

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?

@NotEthanSmith_

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

@seanforhire

i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways

@Michael1979

Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:

@BadMikeyBad

My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.