My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
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Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
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HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.