My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
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Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
The glory of fall.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”