My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
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I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Knock Knock
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.