My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
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#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
*frowns in Scottish*
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”