@dafloydsta

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

You Might Also Like

@OfficeofSteve

Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own

@StruggleDisplay

First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching

@SoulYodeler

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

@UncleDuke1969

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

@rajandelman

A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day

@juliacomedy

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life

@chewlongkok_

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

@pharmasean

“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice