My 5 stages of grief:
5. Are you gonna eat that?

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Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own


First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching


Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*


“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”


A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day


remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life


[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]


“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice