My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
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[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?