My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
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The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.