My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
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I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?