@FunInternetGuy

My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE

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@murrman5

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

@Jake_Vig

Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.

@

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

@Parentpains

Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.

@heatherlou_

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

@Tbone7219

Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.

@HatfieldAnne

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

@FatherWithTwins

I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.

@murrman5

[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED

@winosaurusmom

My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.