My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
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LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
🤣😂
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-