My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
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Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia