My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
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Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
This sounds bad:
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes: