My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
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No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
time machine? you mean a clock?
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this